I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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