You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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