Yo dont text me then not text me
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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