he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
