so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
