I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
