im about as happy as oj after his trial
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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