her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
