i already hear my dad disowning me
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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