She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You may now shotgun with the bride
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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