I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
