she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
