i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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