there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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