Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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