dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
