R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
We left the knife in your bed.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
