Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
