I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
