Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
