he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
