I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
