a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
