just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
