Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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