Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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