Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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