We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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