Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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