our cab driver is having phone sex.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
