I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
