Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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