I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
sarcasm needs its own font
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
