walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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