My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
