Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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