So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
