I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
