It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
