So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I have tasted many bathrooms
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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