I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
