Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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