Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
