I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
