My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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