I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
