I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
