I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
