just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
