I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
did you just send me my own nude
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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